Death?

I’ve heard the call of death to other people twice now. This time, he calls to a 100 year old aunt…

Yeah, i know what your thinking, and i thought that too. however, then i wondered about my own life. I’ve wasted 10 years now… that’s including highschool. IF i get 100 years, or even 80, what will happen? Will i live it all? What did i come from? What do i go to? What is this “home”?

Why can’t i know these things? If i did, i wouldn’t be so scared.

New Bike

God, i just went biking in nobody knows how long. And god… i pushed too hard… i’m so tired i feel like puking and fainting. And no, they don’t seem to care or notice. Nor do i tell them, they’d just think i was a wuss.

Won’t Bother.

Well, i tried, just like she said, and now i’m back to zero again. Things were so much better when i actually was a pain in the ass, good for nothing. So now i’m off to being uncoperative… suits them right though, since i’ve gotten no support with my problem.

maybe they’ll figure it out this time.

…right, when pigs fly.

Life’d up the hole

Seriously? A fucked up family situation, Swine Flu AND a anxiety disorder? Why the fuck am i not a germaphobe and/or insane?

I’m getting tired of all this “info”. I’d rather just die and not know why. ESPECIALLY if theres no cure for it yet, dispite the favorable odds.

Anyway, it’s dulled for now. God save me if i actually get sick from anything, though. I guarentee you wont see me for a month or more.

Dying down… again…

Well, looks like it’s dying down again… who knows when it’ll pop up again.

Also, i wont have that breathing band tonight, so i probably wont have those fucked up dreams again.

Eh… life will find a way to fuck me over, it always does.

Still Alive…

heh… it’s was weeks back then. Now it’s months. The dreams are increasingly fucked and the weird thing is, i’m getting used to them…

Today would probably be 3 months so far… now i don’t really care. My frightened state got me and my mom into a frenzy for the 2nd time… though this time she didn’t momentarily disown me and later on, she was nice enough to stay off going to work for me. Which was different, since till now they’ve both gone off and done there things.

Anyway, the incident this morning was because of our shrink. He’s tired of hearing that i do nothing, and i’m tired of it too, because it’s not fucking true. So, mom told me that he sent a letter saying he dropped us… I’m relieved, yet at the same time, kinda defeated at that. Meh, i need ego to actually go forward, not reality. Also, it was noted as a general concensus that i never did what he asked of me to go forward… and to that i just glare. Is a little credit too much to ask for? Yes, apperantly it is.

Meh, i’m going forward at my own pace. Not at my moms or at a 60 year old british shrink’s pace.

Well, that’s enough out of me for a day, later pork pouches!

Again?!

I’ve been through panic attacks for about 3 weeks total now. Seriously, it’s getting really fucking annoying. And it feels like my parents are taking no effort to help. Ugh, if it goes on for a month, i’m done.

Most of all, i have tons of people on facebook and they all ignore me. The world just blows hard right now and i’m fustrated with it.

Mental Repair

It’s been a week and a half since my breakdown and last night i had a really weird dream. Don’t ask, because i don’t want to recall it…

it’s times like this that make living pretty tough. Kinda makes me wonder why i have a brain and a heart.

Sun Again?

I dunno, but i seem to be more satisfied with myself and my change of attitude to some people.

Yes, it may be harsh, but it’s needed for my own well being.

Ball of Joy

I’m generally happy now. I’ve got a very very good friend now that loves to help keep me happy. I’m going to have to try to keep my crush under control… she’s only 14….

Feh… the good ones are always too young or already taken.